never Miss a beat

I think I might fancy M.I.A. a bit now. It’s very confusing. My gay friend growing up once described me as “the most straight person I know”; my type is man-shaped and not much more specific than that. For instance, I went to see Michael Fassbender bang his way about New York like a wank-crazed Patrick Bateman in Shame last weekend solely because I wanted to see his massive shlong. We can pretend it was for reasons to do with the brave filmmaking of Steve McQueen and the treatment of addiction in modern cinema. It was a decision led purely by my vag. And, to be honest, if it had been some other guy’s shlong in a film about how to manufacture carpet cleaner, or something equally as dull, I’d probably have paid to see that too. It’s rare for society to let you enjoy Hollywood man porn communally with a box of popcorn at a time when the post office is still open. When I got home, I Google-imaged Fassbender for so long my eyes stung like I’d dipped my head in the Dead Sea. Just give me a hunky man to search for online, and the day is lost. 

So it’s odd that this weekend my eyes are on fire again, this time from repeated views of M.I.A.’s new Bad Girls video. It really burns. I’ve got bhangra beats swirling round my head, I’ve got a strong appetite for mango chutney and my retinas are boggling like the snake in Jungle Book hypnotised by leopard-print hijabs and Punjabi voodoo. I’m obsessed. For the first 10 views, I thought I was drawn to the raw edge of foreign, exotic images spliced with M.I.A.’s ghettoised London chat (has “sookie sookie” entered urbandictionary.com yet because I’d like to know how to employ it…). But I’m far too white and uncool for that to be the case. I’m also far too Jewish. This is not commendable but, in spite of my moral liberal fibre, from birth I’ve been programmed to bolt whenever I see crowds of robed, machine gun-toting, Arabic men. This M.I.A. video in all its red keffiyeh’d glory is supposed to be my worst nightmare, and yet I can’t look away. I’m basically crushing on M.I.A.

It’s not merely the visual aesthetic of M.I.A. that has my pupils smouldering. My girl crushes are far less sweeping than my rampant heterosexuality. I’m a lot less slutty with girls. It’s the way M.I.A. carries herself that fascinates me. Look at her standing there, gyrating in broad daylight in Muslim country, using a car as a skateboard, fronting like she just doesn’t give a fuck. “Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well,” she states very matter-of-fact, manifesto delivered. It’s plain marvelous the indifference on her gnarly, aloof face as she files her nails while cars are causing sandstorms all around her. She really doesn’t care at all. Her physical attractiveness is secondary to her attitude. In fact, it’s almost irrelevant. 

When it comes to my girl crushes, looks have little to do with it. I adore Gaga; she’s the most outré, politically astute, genius pop star of the internet age. I always say I’d want Drew Barrymore to play me in a movie because she’s not the sort of woman guys fancy, she’s the sort of woman girls pray guys fancy – intelligent with the jokes and goofily cool. I don’t trust people who don’t worship Madonna for all her ambition and accolades. They should be disenfranchised. And then there’s Scarlett Johansson’s raw sensuality… well, looks actually might have something to do with that. As far as Fassbender and his fellow men are concerned, a crush is supposed to be thrilling and it doesn’t necessarily make sense. But with women I find it absolutely has to. 

M.I.A.’s appeal is instantaneous to me because of the way she presents herself. In the past few weeks focus has been re-asserted on the media’s cruel inequality in its treatment of women. In the music industry, it’s obvious the contrast between the presentation of new male and emerging female solo artists (insert Lana Del Rey here). But M.I.A. together with Madonna, Gaga and Beyonce seems to disregard this all completely in this video. She just gets on with it. These women aren’t waiting for another Erin Brokovich roll to turn up in Hollywood so that they can play the heroine. They set their own agendas in their music videos. They appear completely in control over how they’re portrayed. Sister is doing it for herself. And this sister is about to Google some images of men in boiler suits…