never Miss a beat

Chris Brown has in the past two weeks won a Grammy, performed at the Grammys, potentially gotten back together with Rihanna, collaborated with Rihanna on record, and sang “Girl I wanna fuck you right now/Been a long time I been missing your body” on said record for the world to hear on repeat forever more, thereby doing a “kerching” on domestic violence. Da Internz (producer of said Rihanna and Chris Brown collaborative remix Birthday Cake) said that the track would “shock the world” and he was right. There have been very few times when “shock the world” has been a good thing. Pearl Harbour: not good. 9/11: not good. Westlife split: sensationally good.

Let’s get this clear: Birthday Cake is not a shock to the world of the Westlife split variety. It sits firmly with tiny kittens dying and tectonic plates shuddering. I’d say Rihanna and Chris Brown are both to blame but I’d rather be mad at Chris Brown who doesn’t deserve to be congratulated and/or have a nice time in a public sphere selling lots of records and having millions of ignorant (stupid) teenage fans. Also, I’m a massive Rihanna fan (RIHANNA FTW). Also, Rihanna is clearly not in a fit state. Ignoring the rumours of exhaustion, the constant bad behaviour, and the tattoo-ing her knuckles like a member of the 33 Zetas, etc etc etc… Rihanna keeps taking the Tube everywhere, which is clearly some weird cry for help (she is seeking counsel on the Jubilee line, for Christ’s sake). HELP HER.

Rihanna on the Tube for a second time, girl on left has just seen Chris Brown sitting opposite her…

Chris Brown is the guilty culprit here. I’d say he should be banished to the Moon but rumour has it we are soon to start taking holidays to the Moon and so we still wouldn’t be safe from his reach. There is nowhere to escape Chris Brown until he is dead and buried and even then people will probably still forgive him for having existed. So the only thing left to do is make an irrefutable case ruining the reputation of Chris Brown, who – taking away the fact that he is a heinous Animal – is actually just a crap imitation of rubbish entertainment. That’s right, Chris Brown is a bad version of Bobby Brown who is a bad person. 

Let us begin:

1. Chris Brown: “I like R&B and dance music sandwiches but I don’t make them as good as Bobby who discovered them before I did…”

Everybody knows hits by Bobby Brown like Two Can Play That Game (the K-Klass remix) and My Prerogative (his Britney Spears cover) because they’re proper forward-thinking tunes that mixed the 90s black R&B world with the white dance pop Baywatch theme tune world and really left a lasting impression on people (’s Now That’s What I Call Music compilations).

Interweb folk and excited elfs at MTV have often said that Chris Brown is a trailblazer (early indication of violence) of an edgier R&B/dance megahybrid of musical expression. I haven’t listened to Chris Brown but I have it on good authority (my gut instinct) that he hasn’t managed to be more than a mere pastiche of the original rump shaker, Bobby Brown (who wasn’t even that good).

2. Chris Brown: “I like to beat up pop royalty and pretend it didn’t happen…”

Bobby beat Whitney who was a very classy, young lady back in the ‘80s. Whitney then entered a downward spiral and now we all know (NOW WE ALL BLOODY KNOW) what happened there. And what does Bobby do? Bobby ends up crying in public at the Grammys (!the day after Whitney died!) pretending to be a “good human being”. Then he turns up at Whitney’s memorial service in a Church (before Jesus Christ AND CNN) and then leaves (actually leaves) the funeral early because he didn’t get the seat he wanted. WTF.

Because Chris Brown is obsessed with Bobby Brown (maybe), he grew up wanting a singing girlfriend so he went after Rihanna (who makes a gazillion amazing dance/R&B sandwiches also better than Chris Brown). Unlike Whitney, Rihanna was already a little bit off her trolley… AND he still beat her up anyway (probably a mix of Bobby obsession and her R&B/dance sandwiches being better than his). Now he performs at the Grammys and WINS Grammys (!the day after Whitney died!) (!!and IN FRONT of Rihanna!!), not only pretending to be a “good human being” but also pretending to be a “successful human being” when he’s a total charlatan (return to point 1). 

3.  Chris Brown: “I dance weird and I copied someone who dances weird better…”

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of being round someone’s house when they’ve left MTV Base on and Chris Brown is walking down a street, taking his hat off and putting it back on again, and looking like he’s going to walk into fire hydrants but then skipping round them like a robot malfunctioning in a gym… but if you have you will agree with me that Chris Brown’s hyperstarjumping Lucozade-sponsored dance does remind you of someone (Bobby Brown).

Bobby Brown did hyperstarjumping dances before. Just watch the video for Every Little Step (which I’m doing for the first time now but which Chris Brown has done three times a day since he was 10). Bobby Brown’s moves are ridiculous but not so ridiculous that you couldn’t copy them in a club if you wanted to (and were not of sane mind). Bobby Brown has probably had some Lucozade (and maybe other things) too and has abnormal amounts of energy but there is a clear purpose to his movements fitting in with the rhythm of the beat. Chris Brown, on the other hand, is trying to achieve too much (by showing off) and it doesn’t work (which happens to people who show off). This is because Chris Brown does not have traditional dancing motivations (he just wants to show off). And THAT is even weirder than dancing weirdly.

4.  Chris Brown: “Hi! My name is… Chris BROWN…”

If you’ve managed to read this far you will probably have started to grow suspicious that Chris Brown and Bobby Brown have the same surname. So many similarities (mainly Chris Brown being exactly like Bobby Brown but a shit version) you must have bet your house on them buying a joint lot in their Brown Family graveyard together. I have done some intense investigative research (on Wikipedia) and concluded that Chris Brown and Bobby Brown are not related. Not even a little bit; they aren’t even 5^th cousins, 20 times removed (I’m not shitting you).

Christopher Maurice Brown was born to Joyce and Clinton and they have nothing to do with Bobby Brown (they also have nothing to do with that make-up bloke Bobbie Brown or Gordon Brown who doesn’t wear make-up yet). So it’s not that they’re related, they’re just both divs. Because Chris Brown had the opportunity to not be like “badboy” Bobby Brown (thereby CLEARING the Brown name) and then he became a shit version of him, Chris Brown is more of a div than Bobby Brown. Ya get me?

5. Chris Brown: “I only have a few hits that aren’t as good as Bobby Brown’s few hits and I’m mainly famous for my song being used at a wedding on YouTube…”

I do remember one Chris Brown song that goes “eva eva ooh, eva eva ooh” (not great lyrics, by the way) and I know the only reason it ever entered my mind was because it was used in a funny clip on YouTube. This leads me to the bulletproof conclusion that Chris Brown is only famous because people got married and thought it would be funny to walk down the aisle doing a silly dance to some stupid music. (Obviously Chris Brown was recommended by the pageboy who downloads all the Chris Brown stuff illegally on nana’s computer).

This has never happened to Bobby Brown and not because YouTube didn’t exist in the early 90s but because Bobby Brown makes better R&B/dance sandwiches that are harder to dance to (copy) and don’t lend themselves to pisstakes as easily. Also a pageboy wouldn’t recommend Bobby Brown because he wouldn’t be sophisticated enough yet to understand what the word “prerogative” means.

There you have it - Chris Brown’s reputation ruined with a fullproof case explaining how Chris Brown is just a bad version of Bobby Brown who is a bad person. Two Can Play That Game but in the end only one person can win the battle of who is the original bad person (Bobby Brown).

This blog is dedicated to the many aforementioned ignorant (stupid) fans of Chris Brown who reacted like this (http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys) to his performance at the Grammys. 

Appendix

If you’re still not convinced by how much of an enormous tosser Chris Brown is try checking out the full police report of when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna (http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1606481/chris-brown-police-report-provides-details-altercation.jhtml). Alternatively you could check out this news report of when Chris Brown exploded on national (morning!) TV when pressed on the issue two years later… (some BONUS footage of Charlie Sheen at the end too).