never Miss a beat

I know it’s risky to put your reputation on the line but I’m going to go extremely early on this and say that Claire Danes will be a star. Who knows if she’s won a Golden Globe for her role in Homeland (I do)? Who can say if there’s a deluge of American critical acclaim for her acting chops thus far (I can)? Her new series Homeland could bomb here (it won’t). It’s bold and career-risking for me to state that The Danes is going to be MASSIVE (once more… a bit). But that is what I’m going to do.

Now, it’s about bloody time that everything happened for Claire, currently gracing our small screens as CIA agent Carrie Mathison who she plays with brilliant originality (Jodie Foster’s Clarice Starling… but BLONDE). Check out her background story. Claire Danes has been busy over the past 15 years doing Things. She’s been keeping her fingers in different pies (hanging around Hollywood.) She’s everywhere in TV and film and theatre (master of… trying different stuff to see if something sticks). She’s one of those “intellectual/I ‘heart’ learning” actors (dropped out of psychology at Yale to “concentrate on acting again”). She’s dated different (ish) famous geeks (former readers of J17 and Mizz, hands up if you remember weird-faced Ben Lee?). Claire Danes has been tied-up for bygones trying to keep the fire burning; a fire that sparked with her teenage role on My So Called Life where she starred opposite a young Jared Leto (see Exhibit A), and exploded with Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo “plus” Juliet when she cut off nearly all the oxygen supply to her brain while snogging Leonardo DiCaprio in a swimming pool for 5 hours.

Exhibit A - the very talented Jared Leto

Despite ALL THIS DOING, it just didn’t happen for Claire Danes. I have seen this actress quickly refresh her vag with a wetwipe in the pilot episode of Homeland last night* and now I’m demanding to know the reasons WHY. WHY did Claire Danes never become a Massive Hollywood Star?! WHY has she not been in Spider-Man, or Batman or at least Fast & Furious Something? Stop with all the injustice, Hollywood! STOP NOW! (PLEASE GIVE HER A BREAK NOW!)

(*What was with that scene, by the way? Was it necessary? Will the wetwipe come back to be a useful tool in interrogating Abu Nazir? Did I really see her speed-refresh her vag with a wetwipe or did I dream it up?)

To be fair, I know why Claire Danes didn’t get to become a billboard-owning, ginormous SMASH. Let us examine the facts:

1. Claire Danes is TYPECAST

Danes became synonymous with her onscreen character Angela Chase in My So-Called Life. As the title of that show would suggest, it was full of teenage ANGST… Danes’ character struggling to try and find out exactly what her identity was; like Jason Bourne except with math instead of an impending threat of death. She was an awkward, “kooky” character (pre-Zooey Deschanel). Rumour had had it Danes was so like the character, she’d never even kissed a boy; her first kiss was onscreen. Awkward. In public appearances, Danes was similarly geeky and weird. See Exhibit B – Claire Danes at 16 on Letterman in a kimono (pyjamas):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLNZroCpK_Y

“I guess I’m a teen-ager,” she says – offering a smart “hilarious” way of highlighting the meaning of common word “teenager”. She wasn’t especially funny (she was quite irritating).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLNZroCpK_Y 

Danes became moodier (even more ANGST-y) as her roles developed. Many of her films were about struggle (and they were a struggle – see To Gillian On Her 37^th Birthday and sob porn Little Women). In Romeo “plus” Juliet, it’s recommended to mute the sound on the scene when she bursts into Pete Postlethwaite’s shack with a gun and shrieks: “Be not so long to speak, I LONG TO DIEEEEEEE!”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDEmhIbQmQc

In forgotten classic Igby Goes Down, she played another pre-Deschanel oddball called “Sookie”, an obsessive-compulsive vegan who sleeps with a minor based loosely on the character of Holden Caulfield from The Catcher In The Rye. Fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN6gvnFoqjA

In Brokedown Palace (another forgotten classic starring Danes and other never-quite-made-it actress, Kate Beckinsale) she gets caught for drug smuggling in the Far East and gets extremely sulky and angry again. Disneyland? Who needs it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS2l5kozYIc&feature=related

Having presented herself to the world as the most opposite thing you could get to the popular party people of the late 90s (Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Her), nobody thought she could do anything other than Act Moody. Would you care to be friends with Claire “I’m in one” Danes? Didn’t think so.

2. Claire Danes got screwed over by Kirsten Dunst 

There’s only room for one Gwyneth Paltrow wannabe (WHY GOD WHY) with a surname beginning with “D” in this business and her name is Kirsten Dunst. As Exhibit C below shows Kirsten Dunst is also extremely talented at looking pissed off. 

The difference is versatility. When Kiki smiles she doesn’t look pissed off anymore. With Claire Danes her smug ANGST shines through. You don’t fool us here, Claire.

Kirsten Dunst - also a child actress - had a luckier time of it. Danes & Dunst starred together in Little Women (incidentally with other Sulk and nevertheless interesting real-life problem Winona Ryder). And since then the industry has been far kinder to Dunst, whose roles have come thick and fast (and at all) in Cool Comedies (Bring It On, Drop Dead Gorgeous), Teen Dramas (Crazy/Beautiful, The Virgin Suicides), Blockbuster Action Movies (Spider-Mans 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, have we stopped yet?) and now Arthouse Fancypants Wank (Melancholia - 5 stars good but pretentious as thyme-infused chocolate nibs). When Hollywood looked for “blonde girl, sulking, probably not wearing a bra”, they called Dunst. Every time.

3. Claire Danes prioritised the music

What all of Claire Danes’ films have in common (besides Claire Danes, ANGST and largely being quite bad) are AWESOME soundtracks. Igby Goes Down was full of indie delights such as Dandy Warhols and Badly Drawn Boy; Brokedown Palace was a girl version of The Beach with an equally ambient collection of Sarah Brightman, Tricky and Delerium; Romeo + Juliet was the soundtrack that just kept on giving (except if you bought the double CD – volume 2 should have stopped giving around Queen Mab Interlude); Terminator 3 was packed with… actually no. Basically, there have been occasions (three films) when Danes’s judgement of whether a role has been a good idea has been clouded by the tastes of the film’s musical supervisor.

4. Claire Danes has a perma-perturbed swan face

Claire Danes has the face of a permanently perturbed swan. Take a look at this.

Claire Danes looks like she is about to bite your hand off. I’m treading on eggshells/putting a gauntlet on just thinking about her. Directors have to be IN THE SAME ROOM as her (so choose not to be). See further examples of Claire Danes Sulking At Things at new Tumblr http://clairedanessulkingatthings.tumblr.com/

So WHY is it working for Claire Danes now? Claire Danes has finally found something that plays to her strengths. In episode one of Homeland her character says: “I have a mood disorder… don’t act so shocked it can’t come as a surprise.” IT DOESN’T. Danes can use incomparable amounts of ANGST to relentlessly chase down potential terrorists in a job that requires her to be extremely moody and have few friends. (HELLO Angela Chase). 

It took Claire a while (her whole career) to realise that she is best back where she started. As a TV leading lady, Claire can avoid Kirsten Dunst territory and dominate the small screen. Kirsten won’t even notice. She’s too busy making so all the films Claire Danes should perhaps be making. Furthermore, as a CIA Agent, Claire Danes has finally found a use for the perma-perturbed swan face: interrogation.

Even if you were Osama Bin Laden, Colonel Gaddafi and Kim Jong Il all resurrected and bankrolled into one massive uber-terrordemon, would you mess with that? Forget waterboarding. All you need is Danes’ walking, hazardous Mood in your face. It’s ready to explode a Sulk at you. GIVE HER ALL YOUR ANSWERS NOW!

And so it is. Claire Danes is about to be a Massive Hollywood Star (of the small screen) because she is the best (at ANGST + perma-perturbed swan face) and nobody compares (besides Kirsten Dunst most days of the week). Applaud, world.

(I considered spelling Claire Danes “Clare Daines” throughout just to piss her off. But… that face)