never Miss a beat

I was hard at work going to the girls’ loos, getting a can of Sprite from the vending machine and then visiting the kitchen to see if anyone wanted a chat, and when I got back to my desk I thought I’d have a quick Facebook break… “IS TWITTER DOWN?” read a Facebook status. What does that mean “DOWN”? “DOWN” like Will Smith was “DOWN” in 1998? Or “DOWN” as in “upset”… as in, Who’s died now? There’s such phenomenal outpouring of grief when people die on Twitter and it makes me feel “DOWN” for the rest of the day because nobody can make cheap LOLs out of mundane situations because, you know, SOMEONE’S PROPERLY DEAD.

Oh… gimme a second – I’m just finished watching this @GwilymGold video (here’s the link: http://www.thelineofbestfit.com/new-music/blog/watch-gwilym-gold-live-in-the-boiler-room-100028) and I need to fix my iTunes to play that new Two Inch Punch EP I keep banging on about. So good. Released tomorrow. I tweeted it earlier. PLEASE RT. Or don’t. Makes no difference to me. Was just trying to help @TWOINCHPUNCH out. Whoever that is.

ANYWAY, I just clicked on my Twitter tab and it hasn’t updated in 26 minutes. The last tweet I have is from @HuffPostUKPolitics as retweeted by… *narcoleptic episode*. I ignore all the tweets from umbrella accounts. Can’t stand them. People like @MusicWeek are alright cos they have a sense of humour and don’t just bang on about what’s in Music Week this week which I know about anyway. I’m following you on Twitter for EXTRA kernels of info, not just links to your website, you knobbers. I was reading all that in the first place.

Ooooh work are playing the new album by obscure indie artist. (Sorry forgot, I can’t say because of embargo and I’m under strict instructions by work – no tweeting about that one, Eve! NO TWEETING, EVE!)

Back to Twitter. It’s actually broken. I keep clicking on refresh. F5! F5! Nothing… we’re stuck on @HuffPostUKPolitics. I think, If this is Twitter’s final word, then SHIT A BRICK what a tragic way to go. What an amazing career Twitter’s had and here it’s gone so sudden, without warning, mid-conversation, on the verge of something brilliant but it just couldn’t get it out fast enough before it was run over smack bam in the middle of the Internet. As Joni Mitchell says on Janet Jackson’s Velvet Rope album, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” *Deep exhale*.

I click on http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/ and it’s the same it was an hour ago. Nothing has changed. The “LATEST:…” tab on the top of the page is reporting flooding at Isle Of Wight Festival. I mean, Twitter was talking about that about 90 minutes ago. Where am I going to get my news from right now? As in THIS second? More to the point, as pointed out by my mate @chris_mandle commenting on Facebook where I’d updated my status to “OHMYGODTWITTERISBROKEN” – Where is DIGITAL SPY going to get its news stories from, eh? I (AND DIGITAL SPY) WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Even if it’s just in @MooseAllain’s head or @planetjedward’s hotel, I must be informed of what is going on. 24/7. Need desperately to know.

I return to the Twitter page. It’s serious. There isn’t even a FAILWHALE. I miss FAILWHALE. At least FAILWHALE reassures you that everything is going to resume to normal (not sure about that weird robot with all the hands though, she can fuck right off back to… wherever RoboCop comes from).

I can’t help but wonder about things like Carrie Bradshaw: what happens to all the people I talk to on a daily basis who I’m really fond of but who I don’t know “IRL”? My self-made community of loveable mentalists? It’s not like I have their numbers, or even know their full names. I can’t find them on Facebook. If I walked past them in the street I wouldn’t know it was them. Nice knowing all you guys. No, really. We should have maybe met for that lunch or drink rather than joked about it. Or not. I don’t know. Sometimes meeting people IRL is downright awkward. Erase and rewind.

Then I thought, Maybe this is a reality check. I was at a gig in Dingwalls on Monday night (Haim - tweeted about it loads so won’t mention @haimtheband again #ff). I met a guy there who thought we’d met somewhere before. We couldn’t work out any common ground. Then I casually said (OHGODKILLMENOW), “Do I know you on Twitter?” He laughed: “You’re … what… is that a joke? You’re not being… serious? Oh. You are. Wow.” Fuck. What a weirdo I’ve become. Or have I? Does he just “not get it”? What has Twitter turned me in to? I think I should go back to how I was before. Without Twitter. If I take anything away from Monday night (besides WOW HAIM - AMAZING), it should be, Check yourself, Barlow. Stop with the… Oh hang on a minute… Twitter’s working again. Twitter’s not dead! Rejoice! It was just another stupid Twitter death hoax! Yipedeedoodah!

So, this blog is what I’ve done since Twitter’s been down. In case you were worried you missed something. Imagine missing something.