I’ve never knowingly flashed my boobs in public. I mean I’ve flashed my boobs on BBC live telly while I was on a stranger’s shoulders during Plug In Baby at Muse’s headlining set, Glastonbury 2010. But it wasn’t done knowingly. I was wearing a strapless top and I was very, VERY excited having taken in a few hours of previous act Scissor Sisters and some other things. So I was on some guy’s shoulders, my hands were in the air, my boobs were somewhere below, my best friend was on some other stranger’s shoulders (her top had straps), we were holding hands, I guess the camera just loved it (my tits). But as I said before, it wasn’t a knowing flash. I didn’t know about the flash until I got back to my work PortaKabin backstage to be greeted by an “OMG! YOU AND YOUR BOOBS WERE ON THE BIG TELLY. WELL DONE!!!!!” (I quickly deflated the situation with a “really, right, I see… but how SHITE were Gorillaz last night” and that didn’t work). My life (One big actively happening accident).*
*(And yes it’s the flashing my boobs unintentionally and not my inability to shake off a Muse obsession that I’m embarrassed about).
In short, I’ve never intentionally flashed my tits in public because so far in my life I’ve never really had an urge to or the balls. I suppose you could say I have the balls to REFUSE to flash my tits because this weekend I realised that that is truly a Thing…
So I was sent to Download Festival. I know. Culturally diverse. In my defence, I heard recently that Lady Gaga is obsessed with metal and that heavy metal – ie, Pat Benatar – influenced all of the Born This Way album. Also, I listened to Andrew Weatherall the whole way there and nothing the whole way back because I was worried one more deep bassline might make my bowels go all Journey To The Center Of The Earth. Above all, I was paid for my sins… Anyway all that aside, I had a tremendous education in the maximum minimum time I spent at Download and mostly I’m impressed that it did away with all my unfair, narrow-minded, stereotypical impressions that most heavy metal is for long-bearded, anachronistic, misogynist biker morons… My days at Download, which included my first ever listen to Metallica’s Black Album (played live by Metallica backwards because the latter half is proper shit) were fun, so much so that I willingly* joined in on a “circle pit” and was voluntarily injured in the neck and bum (*forcibly by a superior colleague). Download was a hoot. BUT.
This weekend in Donington (aka the Middle of Nowhere) I saw more boobs than I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I’ve seen the whole of Game Of Thrones: Season One and been to a stripclubso I’m DEFINITELY not a prude. There are zero – perhaps minus number – boobs in Game Of Thrones in comparison with Download Festival. Hand on chest, such was the boob situation at Download I was actually concerned at one point that most women there had their bras confiscated from them on entrance to the site, or worse still that they didn’t own bras for fear of the judging hands of M&S/John Lewis measuring ladies and that’s why they’ve ended up in a dark abyss of listening to speed hardcore and Slipknot and that maybe I should set up a temporary clinic to advise them on bra purchasing and pass on the torch of knowledge (and an N*Sync CD) to as many poor souls as possible. The situation, however, was beyond my powers of salvation.