never Miss a beat

Did you know, Jessie J’s album is called Who You Are. Think about it: Who. You. Are. WHO YOU BLOODY ARE – the inverse of that big life question, WHO THE HELL ARE WE? It’s “deep”. It’s sort of fundamental – not just to us, but to Jessie J’s whole Ting. Twenty-four year-old Jessie J is all about inner strength (voice muscles), being proud (talking loudly over Will.I.Am), overcoming difficulties (gammy legs, etc)… she’s the human equivalent of a self-help section in Waterstones set to radio-friendly R&B. She is promoting IDENTITY, innit? She burst onto the scene in 2010 so sure of her identity (Mystic Meg goes cagefighting in Pineapple Dance Studio) and she wanted you to be sure of yours too (by buying her records, aka Descartes for the MP3 generation).

And yet, last week the chink in Jessie J’s invincible identity armour was exposed; Jessie J had initially declared herself “bisexual”, her unofficial biographer outed her as “100 % lesbian” and Jessie then retaliated by declaring this utter lies (she’s blates “110% lesbian” like, it’s her girlfriend I feel sorry for). The press felt duped. WHO WAS JESSIE J? Nobody knew any more. She must have lied to us because she certainly hadn’t had a stroke (RECENTLY) like that guy who “WOKE UP GAY” on BBC4 so how could things have changed? SHE WAS JUST NOT WHO SHE SAID SHE WAS (at least, 50% or 45% or 70% - who knows – of her was now up for debate… let’s do a pie chart to keep track of where we’re at with Jessie J’s Damian Lewis:Courtney Love fancying probability ratio).

Thing is though, the uncertainty of Jessie J’s sexual orientation is not really the problem here – the problem is that Jessie J has just never been that interesting. Let’s get something straight (LOL): Jessie J is not for me. She is not your average popstar… she’s the average popstar. Jessica Cornish (the “J”, anybody?) has a voice that’s pure transatlanticism, her melodies make nice adverts, her vocabulary is textspeak cliché, her statement pop is meaningless (anyone know what SUGASUGASUGA’ has to do with “Doing It Like A Dude”? What is “MANDEM”?), her look and behaviour is designed to be inoffensive and “edgy”, which is the most offensive of all… She is ultra earnest and highly pleased with herself like some sort of careerist goth Maria Von Trapp babysitter, holding our hand through life with an uplifting, singalong manifesto, “Just wanna make the wurrrrld dance/Forget about the prooiiice tag” (which, by the way, is 0.99p in iTunes… “k-chang k-chang”).