never Miss a beat

Question:

WHEN THE EFFING JEFFING HECK DID IT BECOME SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROAD AND TELL THE WOMAN ON THE OTHER SIDE THAT SHE REMINDS YOU OF “AN UGLY ABHORRENT HORSE” YOU ONCE “ACCIDENTALLY” HAD SEX WITH.

Anyone? PLEASE. GO ON TELL ME, I BEG YOU I AM LOSING MY RAG AND I’VE HAD A MIGRAINE FOR 96 HOURS AND I THOUGHT WE LEARNED ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN AND I’M STRUGGLING WITH THE WILL TO LIVE. I need someone to EXPLAIN this to me because frankly I’m now thinking it’s all game, I mean EVERYTHING is game. Total anarchy, I can just walk out my front door right now, go into Budgens and start spilling out the bile that’s (not) in my head at everyone I come across. They made a film about this; it’s called Liar Liar with Jim Carrey and it’s not funny. WHY? Because this saying things uncensored at random individuals shtick is juvenile. Because in life it’s still sensible to bite your tongue every now and then and have some bloody manners. Believe it or not, not every single thought that comes out of our human heads is a diamond-encrusted, Eureka winner that needs to be broadcast out a megaphone and shared with every man and his dog (and dogs have more manners than internet trolls). Actually, the real skill is being able to tell which are the kerching thoughts and which are the thoughts that belong beneath a pile of manure in the furthest away farm on the Land of Zog. 

Oh shut up, Eve… this is Twitter, it’s different, it’s online, it’s not in the street, it’s not real life, you’re taking it all too seriously, wahwahwahwahwah. You’re right. It’s online, it’s not happening in the street (it wouldn’t happen in the street because that would involve looking someone in the eye). It’s unlikely that right now on your high street there’s a selection of politicians, journalists, authors, popstars, actors, talking animals and Star Wars bots. Absolutely, it’s not your street… IT’S YOUR DREAM STREET THAT YOU NOW HAVE ACCESS TO DUE TO THE BEAUTIFUL TWITTER INVENTION (something else fun and wonderful you can all start DESTROYING for all of us who were having a perfectly nice time). It’s the street where you can converse with all the people you’d never meet in your life and tell them exactly what you think about them (because that’s your human right to do that, isn’t it?). What’s more, the Twitter street is an even more public place than your street because it’s a street everyone in the whole world can fit on AND the surveillance on it is like nothing CCTV has ever seen. Everything you say publicly on Twitter can be viewed around the world for the rest of time by anyone. So, yeah you’re right; it’s not like going out in your street and spewing obscenities at passing strangers (or specific people you’re trolling down with an @), it’s infinity times worse than that (I.D.S.T. IF DESTROYED STILL TRUE).