never Miss a beat

“The D, the I, the D, the Diddy, the Y, the Diddy, the… OH MY LORD MY FUCKING EYE JEEZ WOT’S GOING ON?”…  I was cruising the bus home on Monday night, scrolling through Twitter and checking out the news (TMZ), when I was struck with a sudden urge to helicopter Migralieve to Hollywood: Diddy was having a migraine. A MIGRAINE! The migraine was so extreme he was HOSPITALISED. Shut the front door. According to XXL Magazine, “there’s no telling what exactly caused the migraine”. There never is with a “migraine”. Ha! Migraine! Nothing but a hypochondriac’s headache! Nothing but a bit of mild pain for PUSSIES!

What caused his migraine? Diddy couldn’t handle his own brand of Ciroc vodka. Poor Diddy, throwing a post-Grammy party at the Playboy Mansion, getting all drunk and womanizey and being a rich asshole with cars and jetplanes and Benjamins (that’s Diddy talk for money) and lots of different names for his Empire-sized ego. When Diddy (actual name Sean Coombes) comes to, he’ll probably change his identity again he’s so embarrassed. Poor little Diddy/Daddy/Puffy/P-Puff-Dizzle-Stick. What exactly caused the migraine?, the world asks. Just check out the millionaire’s Twitter feed from the night before…

Exhibit A: “At my Playboy Mansion party…. Shit is crazy!!”

Exhibit B: “Sending photo updates! STAY TUNED!!!”

And Exhibit C, suckers: “This is actually one of the HOTTEST parties I’ve ever thrown!! Right now at the Playboy Mansion!!!! Let’s goooooooo!!!!”

Ha! You’re busted, Diddy. “Bad Boy For Life” how you like me now? The internet was having a party. “How will the doctors determine where his migraine ends and he begins?” commented one Huffington Post reader. Ehtiopia1a: “P Diddy gives me a headache too!” High-five, good one! Big Orange said, “He went to the hospital for a hangover? #SOFT”. Yeah, hashtagging the crap out of the Diddymachine! Some suggested how to help, such as OldPirate, “Just stroke the fuzzy wall, it’ll be ok” (anyone?), and DungBeetle, “Take a bath. You’ll be fine.”

Well, hopefully…

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Actually, the recommendation that Diddy take a bath in this scenario is ill-advised. A bath would be a messy affair. Diddy might throw up in the bath. He might lose balance and/or control of his limbs. Diddy could potentially die if he takes a bath while having a migraine. A migraine is a very serious problem. I’ve lived with migraines for 15 years. You think that’s a bit outlandish, don’t you? “Lived with”. It’s not.